WARNING: This is not a good post, it rambles from thing to thing, is very whiny, some may say it is a pity party. In my defense, we are 17 LIDs from referral and will probably be waiting for at least 3 more months to finally see our daughter's picture (not our actual daughter in the flesh). If you feel the need to leave a comment of "Be patient, it will happen" or "It will be worth the wait" or anything else along those lines, please go jump off a bridge someplace onto a large fireant hill covered in honey. Please feel free to leave any comments that are (1) sympathetic in a "your life sucks" kind of way, (2) offering chocolate, cookies, margaritas, or any combination of the following, or (3) whining about your insufferably long wait and how much it sucks as well.
I feel like we are being taken for a ride. Not a "sunny Sunday afternoon to the beach with the windows down and the radio playing something you can sing too" kind of ride. No, it's the "Honey, I think we are lost in the bad part of New Orleans with the low fuel light on, no interstate in sight, and sun is starting to set" kind of ride. The kind you are scared to take with your eyes open but don't want to close them in case you need to be able to protect yourself when someone knocks on the window. And right now there is no end in sight.
I feel like we are getting f---ed over in a major way right now. I am mad, confused, hurt, frustrated, disappointed, annoyed, etc., etc., etc.. I feel hopeless because there is absolutely nothing that we can do about this mess and it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!
I want to scream, I want to cry (actually did a little on the way home today, first time during this two and half year process). I want to eat obnoxious amounts of sweet, fattening food and/or drink several fruity, alcoholic drinks. I want to go to bed, pull all of the covers over my head and never get out.
I am a little embarrassed that I have told people that we are adopting a child from China because it doesn't seem like it will ever be happening. People had started to ask about the adoption again (I guess they figured it had been several months since the last time they asked so something should be happening, seems logical) and I told them I thought it would be March or April, but now I think we may be lucky if it is June. I was very sure that the Olympics would have no bearing on our process, now I am scared that it could effect our travel times. I had hoped that we would travel before the end of this school year so that I could stay home all summer, now I am worried that I may have to miss part of the beginning of next year to stay home for a few weeks after we get home.
I wish that we would have known how this would have gone when we started because we would have never started with this country. Would have just skipped it, would have gone a different direction, would have avoided the disaster that this program is becoming and made our lives much easier. There is no way that we would back out now. Annika is waiting for us somewhere in China right now. She doesn't know it, but we will be going there to get her. For two and a half years now I have been wondering if she is born yet, if she has been abandoned yet, where she is, how she's being treated, when we will finally got our referral. I have been telling myself that our six months (that is how long the wait was supposed to be when we started this train wreck) have finally started for about 5 months now. I am really thinking that our six months may have actually started this month because I really think that we may not get our referral until June.
I have been a crank for most of the day because of this. I got home tonight and David had moved the bed out of the room that will be Annika's and set up the crib today. I walked in the door saying that I wasn't starting the nursery (if she's even young enough to need a nursery, but don't get me started on that) until spring break the last week of April because I don't plan to have our referral before than and he had spent part of his day lugging a queen size platform bed from the second floor to the basement by himself and setting up the crib without directions.